The Reality of the Postpartum Body
I used to be an active fitness coach and would often post before and after pics of myself. I’m guilty of scrutinizing the after pictures and picking the ones that I looked the most fit in. I wanted to motivate others, but I am now more aware that pictures of people that “bounce back” after baby can be triggering and difficult to see for someone who is struggling with body image and not motivating for them. That’s why it’s so important to share the reality of the postpartum body.
At 6 weeks postpartum, I started working out again with a low intensity workout program. My right quadriceps were still weak with the nerve damage I sustained during labor. My vaginal tear that I had stitched up was tender, I had this terrible sacral and pelvic pain, and excruciating hemorrhoids that nobody warned me about. Despite all of that, I was given the go ahead to start working out again. Something that was so important to me. I was ready to get my body back.
The Truth Behind the Smiling Photos
It didn’t take too long to start getting some muscle definition and lose the baby weight. The before and after pics were posted. To the outsider, I seemed to be physically thriving postpartum. What they didn’t see was all of the physical and emotional pain that I continued to have behind the keyboard. I didn’t share as much about those things. Who needs a pity party? I had a healthy baby, which seems to be the postpartum focus in our society and in the medical field.
The truth is I was crying all the time. I felt like a failure of a mother and over my head. I worried that I would never be the same and that the pain and weakness would last forever. Like me, Nolan cried all of the time, which made me feel like my baby hated me. When was this going to get easier? I continued to share my “progress pics” on social media. At least from the outside, I looked like I had it together.
I had my first in person postpartum visit at 8 weeks. My first visit was via Zoom because of the recent start of the pandemic. The medical assistant asked me the questions from the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. My score was a 10, which was not in the definitely depressed category, but was considered possibly depressed or mild depression.
I didn’t feel like I needed any medication. With a history of depression, I had been on Zoloft in the past, but didn’t feel like I was at that point. I did agree to have a session with their therapist to help with adjustment to my new situation. Since it was still the pandemic, I had to do our sessions over a phone call. I was still posting my postpartum progress pics. My followers and friends could see online that my waist was getting trimmer, but they didn’t see me talking to a therapist over the phone, while nursing a fussy baby.
Missing My Body Before Baby
As I was preparing to return to work at 12 weeks postpartum, I continued to post my daily workouts online. What didn’t I share about? The bleeding and feeling like shards of glass were coming out of me every time I had a bowel movement. I didn’t mention the fact that Nolan was going through a sleep regression and the amount of bouncing to put him to sleep for every nap caused intense pain in my back and pelvic region. I missed my pre-birth body. Not the one with the six pack abs and defined shoulders, but the one without pain. The one that could go for a run without the leg feeling like it would give away. I didn’t grieve how my body used to look, I missed the way I used to feel and function.
Acceptance, Growth, and Healing
It’s been two and a half years now since I gave birth. Even if I can fake it and appear like my body is the same as it was before I had a baby, it’s not the truth. My hips are wider and my pants are tighter. I still have a little pooch and my belly skin is somewhat wrinkly. My boobs are deflated from breastfeeding for 2 years. My body has physically recovered from the damage sustained during childbirth, but it’s still not the same.
I struggled with body image in the past prior to having a baby, but now that I have a little two year old boy who loves to use my belly as a pillow, I don’t focus on these things as much. My body went through a lot to bring him into the world. Rather than post about the struggles that my body was going through postpartum with the nerve damage and pain, I chose to share my fitness journey to get my toned abs back. I regret not being more transparent and am changing by sharing about my past struggles now.
Don’t always believe everything you see on social media. People choose the pics with their best angles and wearing the most flattering clothing. They show the joy and excitement of their new baby and not the therapy visits and tears. The truth is they may be struggling underneath it all. I’m not saying that posting happy baby pics and flattering body pics aren’t valid, but don’t let it get you down if you feel another way. Be kind to yourself and embrace the changes that your body has gone through to bring that beautiful baby into the world.