Unrealistic Expectations
I always thought I would have one of those babies that would follow the rules. While I was pregnant, I read all of the books on what to expect and how to care for the new baby. I bought the infant sleep course from a popular sleep trainer. Falsely, I believed that babies who didn’t have good sleep habits were due to parents not following the plans laid out in these courses and books. They must not have the blackout curtains, swaddles, or sound machines. Maybe those parents didn’t follow the Eat, play, sleep routine. I was determined that my baby would be on a schedule and would not end up in our bed. How naive I was. Over time I realized that I didn’t’ have to follow these rules and found out that it’s okay not to sleep train.
A Rude Awakening
After Nolan was born, he slept a ton in the hospital. He was going to be an “easy” baby… or so I thought. The first couple of nights back home were a doozy and reality shock. Because of my leg weakness from my childbirth injury, my husband would have to do all the carrying of the baby. He changed the diapers and brought the newborn over to me to feed. This only added to the woes of the sleepless nights.
Along with not sleeping well, he spit up a ton after every feeding. We were advised to keep him upright for 15-20 minutes after. Middle of the night feedings became an hour-long process of having to hold him upright before putting him back in the bassinet. Then he would wake up 2 hours later to do it all again.
We tried the shushing, the swaddling, the blackout curtains and sound machine. I tried to put him down “drowsy but awake”, like the course said. He would immediately start screaming. We avoided any nursing to sleep. The course convinced me that it would make him dependent on nursing to sleep. He wouldn’t take a binky initially. The only way to soothe him was to do squats, lunges, or swing him back and forth in the infant lounger. All things that I struggled with due to the nerve damage that I suffered.
The Artistry of Placing Baby in the Bassinet
We eventually discovered holding him and bouncing on a therapy ball to sleep, while he was swaddled up tight. He would fall asleep, but we had to wait for him to be dead weight in our arms to attempt the dreaded transfer to the co-sleeper bassinet, which was an art form in itself.
First, I would slowly switch my hand position from cradling his head to holding his head in my hand, while the other hand went to his bottom. Next, I would slowly lower him into the bassinet like a delicate package continuing to maintain contact with him. Finally, I would ever so gently push down into the hard mattress to try to make room to squeeze my hand out from under the sleeping baby and slowly walk away. If this was successful, he would fall asleep. Oftentimes, he still woke up screaming and it was back to the ball bouncing. This bouncing was painful for my ever-healing pelvis. Once the transfer was successful, he went through a phase of waking 1-2 hours later and having to go through it all again.
Back to Sleep Training
Naps were not much better. 38 minutes. That was his average nap length for the longest time as an infant. Rushing around trying to get anything done or just relaxing for a few minutes was all that I had time for. I eventually reached out to the sleep trainer that I purchased the course from in desperation for advice. I don’t even remember the exact response from her “team” now, something about extending the wake windows. All I know is that it didn’t make a huge difference. His sleep fluctuated through his phases of development, teething, and illnesses. I thought something was wrong. Why doesn’t he follow the rules?
When he was 6 months old or so, we tried the next sleep training guide. It was essentially a modified Ferber method or “gentle” sleep training. It was essentially letting the baby cry it out with periodic check ins, while avoiding picking up the baby. I recall watching a movie in the living room, while he was in his crib screaming. He did not soothe for an hour even with the check ins. He was slamming himself against the wall of the crib and crying harder. It was torture. I eventually caved to the sleep training. We didn’t do this many more times. I just didn’t think letting him scream and cry for that long of a period was worth it. He has incredible stamina.
Ditching the Rules
We broke the sleep rules pretty early on. When he hit the 4-month sleep regression, none of our tricks to putting him back to sleep would work. We bounced, rocked, did lunges. We got to the point where he would only fall back to sleep in the swing. He would wake up in the middle of the night and we would put him in the swing. Gasp! I know, I know. This is not safe sleep habits. We were desperate, so we set up the “Bachelor Pad” in the living room next to the swing. We blew up an air mattress for Shawn to stay next to the little one sleeping in the swing. Not ideal, but we were struggling to function.
There came a time when he was around 10 months old that our feeding schedule just made sense to start nursing before bed. It was amazing. He would fall right to sleep and was easily placed into his crib. No more bouncing on the ball to sleep. That’s when the “avoid nursing before bed” thing ended for us.
When he was a year old, he still was not sleeping through the night or independently. I nursed him to sleep, and he typically woke up once in the night for a feeding. He would fall right back to sleep, and I would put him back in the crib. I had stopped trying to force these “rules” upon him and started following a different Instagram sleep account that made me feel less guilty and normalized Nolan’s sleep habits. I let go of that push to make him into a robot baby and started to follow my intuition.
We also avoided co-sleeping for a long time, until we found that we all got more sleep, if he just came into bed with us instead of having to bounce him on the ball to go back to sleep at 3 or 4 in the morning when he started waking up. He was no longer waking to nurse in the middle of the night at this point.
Transitioning to the Floor Bed
A few months after he turned 2, we decided to stop nursing to sleep, as well. I feared this transition time, but it actually went pretty smoothly. We started with just cuddling instead and got him a floor bed. This was a huge help. We would cuddle to sleep and during the occasional night waking one of us could go in and lay with him to help him back to sleep. Our bed was free from him (most of the nights).
He’s almost 2.5 years old now and there are still nights that he wakes up and needs us. Lately it’s been, “My daddy! My daddy!”, when he wakes in the wee hours of the morning. I still have to lay with him to help him fall asleep and it takes anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour for him to finally crash. There are nights that he still wakes up, walks into our room and crawls into our bed with us.
No More Pressure, No More Comparisons
I’ve finally accepted that it’s okay that my son didn’t follow all of the sleep plans that I laid out for him. Every child is different and there isn’t a cookie cutter mold that works for everyone. When I accepted that and stopped comparing our situation to others, I felt a sense of relief.
If you’re a mom to a “bad sleeper” have patience and realize it is totally normal. Different kids have different temperaments. What works for some families, may not work for yours. Newborns and infants aren’t broken if they are only sleeping 2 hours at a time or taking short naps. It’s completely normal to still have to nurse at night when your baby is a year old. You don’t have to sleep train if that’s not working for you. It’s okay if your toddler needs you to snuggle at night to fall asleep or climbs into bed with you early in the morning. Each phase we went through with Nolan had its challenges, but things become easier with every phase. They are only this little for so long. It won’t be forever. The nights are long, but the years are short. Hang in there, Mama.
